There is a time for everything... a time to be born and a time to die...a time to weep and a time to laugh. (Ecclesiastes 3)
I find it amusing how my last post was titled Time to Celebrate and this one now has to be titled a time to mourn. There really is a time for everything and this week we are definitely mourning.
Yesterday morning started off as a normal one. I headed upstairs to greet my babies and to say hello to the Aunties. It was adoption Monday and two of our little girls were about to get forever families. I took some time to feed them and take a few last pictures. As I sat playing with one of the little girls, Francina (a senior staff member) came and asked me if I would check one of the small babies because she was not breathing well at all. This little girl had been breathing fast for a few days and so we had taken her to our paediatrician last Thursday who said it looked like it could be a cardiac problem. So we took her for xrays on Friday and then she was to go back to the paediatrician this Thursday. We were watching her closely but she seemed to be coping.
I stopped what I was doing and followed Francina back the the small babies room but when we looked at her she had stopped breathing. I started CPR but there was no response. I asked Francina to carry on as I ran to call an ambulance and our director. Our director came up and also tried CPR for awhile but it was too late. The only thing worse than having to do CPR on a baby is having to stop because you know it is too late, realizing that she is gone and no one can bring her back. By the time we finished trying, we had moved the other babies out of the room and there were about six of us staff there. I picked her tiny body up off the floor and held her close. I rocked her back and fourth as I wept over the precious life lost. I stroked her hair and felt her soft cheeks that were slowly cooling off and I started to pray. I thanked God for her and for entrusting her to us. I prayed for her birth mother who should have been the one there, holding her, and mourning her. I prayed for us as a staff and we sat there in shock and eventually, as I kept on praying I realized that we were all praying, each in our own language but all the the same God. Each of us in shock and disbelieve and overcome by sorrow, crying out to the God who had taken her from us. All of us united through faith and the knowledge that God has called us all to the Door of Hope for a reason. I lead us in two songs, the first one I started to sing was In Moments Like These and the second one was Arms of Love.
After we had finished, I bent down and kissed the face of my sweet little two month old. I then covered her with a blanket and carried her down to the office to wait for City Angels. The staff came in one by one to say goodbye to our darling and then as City Angels arrived, I said a final prayer Thanking God for His perfect plan and praising Him for the fact that He will receive more glory through her death than He would have through her life. I placed her now cold, and stiff body into the little casket and shed my last tears as she was taken away.
I will never even pretend to understand why God lets little babies die. I don't think it is fair but what I do know is that I serve an awesome God. A God who gives life and a God who takes life away and no matter what His will is perfect.
I think the hardest part of yesterday morning was the fact that as soon as City Angels had taken her away, I had to drive to Pretoria for two adoptions. Beth and I both went (Beth is a long term volunteer that I have been training to cover for me while I am away) and it was a very quiet car ride. Scared that any words would start the flow of tears again.
The adoption however, went so well! One of the families had even adopted one of my special babies a few years earlier and it was so awesome to hand them over another child but also to see their first one. She was so grown up, so beautiful and content, so loved and accepted. She even walked right into the room and in English (which she doesn't speak) said "this is for you" and then handed me the most beautiful picture I had ever seen! Having already had such an emotional morning, the tears rolled down my cheeks. It was as if she had said "Thank you for naming me, and for loving me, and for praying for me. Thank you for trusting God to love me. I am happy and healthy and thankful to God for everything He has done!" A simple picture and some English word reached right into my heart and hugged it so tight.
I am so blessed. I hate having to lose a baby, it is something I wish no one would ever have to experience. What makes it worth it though it to see a little girl, who I had loved and cared for as a baby, happy and loved in a forever family! That is why I am here doing what I do. None of it is in vain. God has called me to love these babies for a time, whether it be until they get their earthly homes or heavenly homes. It is never in vain and I am grateful for the privilege.
I find it amusing how my last post was titled Time to Celebrate and this one now has to be titled a time to mourn. There really is a time for everything and this week we are definitely mourning.
Yesterday morning started off as a normal one. I headed upstairs to greet my babies and to say hello to the Aunties. It was adoption Monday and two of our little girls were about to get forever families. I took some time to feed them and take a few last pictures. As I sat playing with one of the little girls, Francina (a senior staff member) came and asked me if I would check one of the small babies because she was not breathing well at all. This little girl had been breathing fast for a few days and so we had taken her to our paediatrician last Thursday who said it looked like it could be a cardiac problem. So we took her for xrays on Friday and then she was to go back to the paediatrician this Thursday. We were watching her closely but she seemed to be coping.
I stopped what I was doing and followed Francina back the the small babies room but when we looked at her she had stopped breathing. I started CPR but there was no response. I asked Francina to carry on as I ran to call an ambulance and our director. Our director came up and also tried CPR for awhile but it was too late. The only thing worse than having to do CPR on a baby is having to stop because you know it is too late, realizing that she is gone and no one can bring her back. By the time we finished trying, we had moved the other babies out of the room and there were about six of us staff there. I picked her tiny body up off the floor and held her close. I rocked her back and fourth as I wept over the precious life lost. I stroked her hair and felt her soft cheeks that were slowly cooling off and I started to pray. I thanked God for her and for entrusting her to us. I prayed for her birth mother who should have been the one there, holding her, and mourning her. I prayed for us as a staff and we sat there in shock and eventually, as I kept on praying I realized that we were all praying, each in our own language but all the the same God. Each of us in shock and disbelieve and overcome by sorrow, crying out to the God who had taken her from us. All of us united through faith and the knowledge that God has called us all to the Door of Hope for a reason. I lead us in two songs, the first one I started to sing was In Moments Like These and the second one was Arms of Love.
After we had finished, I bent down and kissed the face of my sweet little two month old. I then covered her with a blanket and carried her down to the office to wait for City Angels. The staff came in one by one to say goodbye to our darling and then as City Angels arrived, I said a final prayer Thanking God for His perfect plan and praising Him for the fact that He will receive more glory through her death than He would have through her life. I placed her now cold, and stiff body into the little casket and shed my last tears as she was taken away.
I will never even pretend to understand why God lets little babies die. I don't think it is fair but what I do know is that I serve an awesome God. A God who gives life and a God who takes life away and no matter what His will is perfect.
I think the hardest part of yesterday morning was the fact that as soon as City Angels had taken her away, I had to drive to Pretoria for two adoptions. Beth and I both went (Beth is a long term volunteer that I have been training to cover for me while I am away) and it was a very quiet car ride. Scared that any words would start the flow of tears again.
The adoption however, went so well! One of the families had even adopted one of my special babies a few years earlier and it was so awesome to hand them over another child but also to see their first one. She was so grown up, so beautiful and content, so loved and accepted. She even walked right into the room and in English (which she doesn't speak) said "this is for you" and then handed me the most beautiful picture I had ever seen! Having already had such an emotional morning, the tears rolled down my cheeks. It was as if she had said "Thank you for naming me, and for loving me, and for praying for me. Thank you for trusting God to love me. I am happy and healthy and thankful to God for everything He has done!" A simple picture and some English word reached right into my heart and hugged it so tight.
I am so blessed. I hate having to lose a baby, it is something I wish no one would ever have to experience. What makes it worth it though it to see a little girl, who I had loved and cared for as a baby, happy and loved in a forever family! That is why I am here doing what I do. None of it is in vain. God has called me to love these babies for a time, whether it be until they get their earthly homes or heavenly homes. It is never in vain and I am grateful for the privilege.
1 comment:
Dearest Stephanie,
My Sincere Sympathy with Heartfelt Condolences for the lost of one off your Babies. I would like to extend my condolences and deepest sympathy to you all (everyone). It is always a sad day to lose someone close to your heart. ... I wish I was closer to you all, to help. I am so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I'm Thinking of you all in the BabyHouse.
There's just no way to measure
all the love and joy she brings
Yes, She was an Angel
who has truly earned her wings !!
She was very special to me !!
Uncle Cornee
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