The Painful Goodbye

Most of you know that I love my job. I love these kids, I love the staff, I love the life I live on a daily basis. There is however, like I have said before, some things that I just do not enjoy.

One of the worst parts of my job is watching the tiny little heart of my new child break as they learn what it means to be anadoned.

Some of our kids are still tiny little babies, maybe only hours old but still in their tiny little heart they know when the woman who carried them, who loved them, and who talked to them for nine months is no longer present. Every thing is different, every smell, every sound, and every touch. It is not the mother that gave life to them.

Some of our kids are slightly older and although they cannot talk, they have been breastfed regulalry, rocked to sleep, and carried close on their mother's back. They cannot verbalize it but they do not understand why one day their mother is gone just like that.

And some of our kids are already toddlers, maybe two or three years old. They know how to talk, how to walk, how to laugh and have fun. They know their mother and call her by name. They do not understand when she brings them to a strange house with people who speak a different language. They do not understand as they turn around from the toy that they are playing with, where their mother has gone. They don't understand as they scream out "Mama, mama" why she doesn't come back to fetch them. Their little heart breaks, they lose faith in people, they are confused and scared and too young to know how to deal with it. Weeks later, they still stop in the middle of playing with a toy to cry out once more for their mother. They look at us with wondering eyes saying "umama akekho" ("my mommy is not here").

No matter the age, the wounds are deep, the trust is broken. The big sorrowful tears that run down their cheeks reveals the pain oozing from deep withing.

To all my children; I am sorry that you have to feel pain and loss. I am so sorry that at such a young age, you know exactly what it means to be abandoned. I wish with everything in my heart that I could protect you from ever feeling pain, that I could restore your trust easily, and that I could give you your youthful joy back. What I do know is that God can heal you. He can restore your trust within your hearts and your minds. I know that God loves you more than I ever could and that He will heal you completely in His perfect time. I am thankful that God allows me to be a part of your healing. I am thankful that God knows and understands every little detail and that He will not leave you as orphans. Very soon He will bring you a forever family. A mom and a dad who will be committed to you, who will help rebuild your trust, and who will guard your heart on a daily basis. Yes, my beautiful babies, the sorrow may last for the evening but we know that joy is coming in the morning! I love you too much!