The End is Near

For those of you who don't know, I have decided that my time at Door of Hope will be coming to an end.

For awhile now I have been feeling like God has been calling me back to Canada for a rest and to finally go to school. It was such a hard decision for me to make as I love my life here but I know that it is time to move on. I will be heading back to Toronto in September and will be starting school in January.

When I first came to Door of Hope I was just about to turn 20 years old. I had worked for a year after high school and I knew I was not ready for college or university at that time. I watched so many of my friends go to school because they thought it was what they needed to do but then I also watched so many of them drop out, or change degree because they were not actually sure of what they wanted to do with their lives. I did not want to go to school just for the sake of going to school. I knew that I would go eventually but I wanted to be sure of what I was going to study.

Being at Door of hope for more than 7 years now, I have learnt so much and been exposed to so many different areas that interest me. God has also been planting seeds in me and showing me different needs and how I can meet them. One of the needs was obviously for the special needs, the sick, and the unwanted babies and it has been amazing to watch God's miracles as we started the starfish department and took in all these unwanted kids.

After a lot of prayer I have decided to go home and study nursing! Some days I am overwhelmed and don't think I will be able to do it. I'm not great at math or science and what if I pass out? Will I get used to things and be able to deal with them? Is my face going to show how disgusted I am by what I am doing? So many things that I am unsure of but one thing I know is that Nursing is what God is calling me to. Nursing will give me more knowledge than I have right now and it will also help me to eventually get into paediatric palliative one day.

I have lost more that 20 babies in my 7 years of being here and although it has never been easy, I have felt so honoured to be the one chosen to love them until the end. I have always told people that as long as a child is breathing I am going to fight for their life. I have never prayed that God would just let them die, nor have I ever just given up on them. Sure, there have been times where I didn't know what else to do or I had reached the point where I just ask that God's will be done but I have always kept fighting for them.

One time I had a little boy in hospital who was literally starving to death because he could not keep food down. He was always cold and growing weaker each day. When we spoke to a doctor about him she simply said "well we're not expecting a miracle you know!". I had never asked her for the miracle ( I knew that would come from God) I was simply asking her for basic care! After 7 years of watching how quickly people give up on these kids, I realized I need to do something about it. So I hope is that once I have a nursing degree I will be able to come back to South Africa and start a hospice! I want to be able to love all the unlovable babies and fight for their lives until it is over.

Now, having said all this I am still going to have an incredibly hard time leaving Door of Hope. For 7 years now I have been a mom and now I have to leave them all behind. There are kids here (like the girl with the liver disease) that I have to leave here not even knowing if she will be adoptable. I have to let go of what has become my family, my passion, and my daily joy. I am so excited about what the future holds but I am heartbroken that I have to let thing go to get there. Thankfully my friend Beth is taking over my position for me. She is a wonderful girl who covered for me while I was home last year and I know she will do an amazing job! I am so thankful that she will be the one to carry on fighting for these kids!

My last day will be July 31st and then the month of August I am just going to relax and spend time with my kids. My mom is also coming to visit which will be so much fun! We will then head back to Canada with a quick stop in Holland and Germany on the way.

Please pray for me in this time of transition, that it will go smoothly and with as little heart ache as possible. Please also pray for me as I now have to choose a school to attend and prepare to start studying in January.

I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me and my children over the years, it has meant so much. Please continue to follow along with me as I head out on a new direction because I'm pretty sure that the best is yet to come...